things that suck.

You may have noticed that I haven't really touched much on the negative aspects of this journey I'm on... well, there's a reason for it. And, as much as I would love to say it's because I'm a strong person and I've been optimistic and positive throughout the entire experience - that's simply not true.

The real reason I haven't blogged much about the dark side of things is that I hate reliving those moments. It's bad enough to go through them once first-hand, the last thing I want to do is sit down at my computer afterwards and write about them. So, I've been waiting for the right moment to address some of the things I simply couldn't handle along the way and now (at 3AM when I'm wide awake) seems like as good a time as any. 

Just a Couple of Things that Suck (I could write more, but I'll spare you):

1. Showers. 

Showers used to be one of my favorite things in the world. You come home after a long day, pull off all your clothes, and just stand there letting the warm water run down your neck and wash away all the tensions from your life. Then, you put on your jammies of choice and curl up under the covers with some trash tv until bedtime. Instead, here is my shower process these days:

• preparation. take approx. 15 mins beforehand to lay out supplies on your bed for bandaging post-shower.
• bandage removal. remove clothes, then carefully remove all 3 layers of bandages - oh, but be careful because sometimes your wound may stick to a bandage and if you mistakingly pull that off prepare for the worst pain you've felt in days. if this ever happens, it's smarter to just get in the actual shower with your bandages on and hope the water will soak in enough to allow the bandage to slide off instead of having to rip your skin off along with it. 
• run a lukewarm shower - not too hot, because you don't want to irritate the wounds. fml, i love hot showers.
• make a game plan. figure out your process, and then get everything besides wound cleaning out of the way. meaning, if you need to wash your hair, body, or shave - you need to hurry the fck up and get those things out of the way so you can get to the real reason you're showering...
• clean your wounds. ew ew ew. i can not even type this one without cringing. it is literally as gross as it sounds, and i have so much respect for anyone who has ever had to do this at home. i've found that a gauze pad works well, so i open a fresh gauze pad during each shower, squeeze a little mild soap (such as dove unscented, or ivory) onto it, then lightly wipe and pad down each of my wounds. 
• i feel it's important for anyone else going through this to mention that i HATE touching my wounds in the shower. even though I don't have to physically touch them with my hands, just the sensation of something gliding over it gives me the 'heebie-jeebies' (sp?). it is by far the worst part of my day and for the last month I've felt like my life revolves around bandage changes. I  can not wait until everything closes up and I just have to deal with keeping it moisturized. 
• dry your body - but not the wounds, you don't want to touch open wounds with a nasty towel that's probably been sitting on your toilet or sink while you shower. 
• get back to the supplies. mine are typically laid out on my bed, which means i have to get from the bathroom to my bedroom with a towel loosely draped over me while i hold the front out making sure nothing touches my wounds. it's awkward.
• bandaging - which leads me to my second thing that sucks….

2. Bandage Changes.

OMFG. You.have.no.idea. Literally the death of me. Once this is all over I will be so grateful to just put on clothing in the morning and walk out of my house. Experiences like these really make you appreciate being a normal healthy human. It's like when you're all sick and stuffy, and you appreciate being able to breathe regular - but only 100 times worse. Anywho, I won't walk you though the whole process of bandaging, that's not the shitty part. The shitty part is how you feel the entire time. 

Showers suck enough on their own, then once you're out bandaging takes another 15-20 mins. The entire time I'm cleaning my wounds and bandaging them I'm also using 95% of the energy in my body to keep myself from crying, clenching my teeth, and trying to convince myself this is almost over. My mom has learned to go in the other room during this time, because I've dubbed it my 'quiet time'. I can't speak, or listen to anyone. In fact I can't really do anything at all other than the task at hand. 

It itches.

It hurts.

It oozes.

It's sensitive.

It's ugly.

It's bleeding.

It's everything bad in the world and my skin is crawling the entire time.

Once it's over I literally have to lay down, exhale, and just unwind for a few moments. I'm completely drained, but it's over. And until the next bandage change (in 12 hours) I can try to take my mind off things.