OMFG IT ITCHES.

Yea I never really got around to talking about this part much - but it's so effing important to mention. THE.ITCHING.

OH.
MY.
GAWD.

the worst.
I can not tell you how many times i laid in bed, propped up by a pillow, with tears just running down my face. The doctors will tell you 'this is good, because it means you're healing', but my god does it feel bad. I can't really describe it, but if you've ever had a scab that's healing you've probably felt it on a very minor level. It's like chicken pox, on crack. Or 1,000 red ant bites all in one area. And of course, you obviously can't scratch it. So you just have to lay there and take it.
You're helpless, and so is everyone around you.

The only thing that helps? Benadryl.
Thank the heavens above for Benadryl, because clearly angels themselves came down and made this stuff. It works legitimate miracles, with one drawback… you'll be in a coma within the hour. So yea, if you plan on functioning as a human being, don't take it. But, if you want to relieve the god forsaken itching and not cry, do it. Those are basically your only two options.

99% of the time i chose to put myself into a coma, and I don't regret it one bit.
sleep > tears.

6 weeks & counting...

It's been 6 weeks. 

Actually, it's been 6 weeks and 2 days to be exact - but hey, who's counting?

I know I haven't been blogging as often, but I've been busy trying to get back to real life, hunting for a new apartment, and focusing on my recovery. Also, my mom left about a week ago and I've been having to do a lot more on my own. (#thestuggle)

Anywho, on with the updates!

So, here's some more recent pics of the progress:

& I even got measured for my compression garment yesterday at my check-in with the hospital. Mine is going to be a bit like high waisted bike shorts that will stop right above my knee. Think 'custom made Spanx' - in black. The purpose of them is to keep pressure constantly on my skin, which will ultimately make my scars flatten out. It also acts as a protective layer while your skin underneath is healing up over the next year. Yes, a year. I have to wear this thing for, A YEAR. fml. Here's how they measure you so that it literally fit's every inch of your leg/body:

I can't technically wear the thing though until all my wounds have closed up 100%, and as you can see from the above photos… my thigh still has a little ways to go. Womp. I'm hoping by the time the garment is ready for me (in two weeks) my thigh will be ready as well. *fingers crossed*

In the meantime I have a temporary compression garment for my torso since my stomach is all closed up. OH MY GAWD, this thing is TIGHT. Here's hoping it doubles as a corset and makes my stomach flat and waist tiny! *fingers crossed again* I'm in no rush to get into the real thing!

Things that I learned from my doctor yesterday:

- no bikini waxes for at least 3 months (#fml)

- no direct sun exposure for 1 year (#fmlfmlfml)

- if i do go in the sun i need to layer on clothing + the strongest SPF sunscreen money can buy

- you can't get addicted to benadryl (even though i'm like 90% sure i am. i heart benadryl.)

- i can work part-time from home

- can't go back in the office full time until i'm physically able to get into a compression garment (evidently this is pretty standard, and truthfully if i had gotten the surgery/skin grafts i probably would be in one by now.)

until next time….

one month update.

Sunday made it officially 4 weeks since my incident.

I've come a LONG way in just 4 weeks, not only physically but mentally as well.
I've gotten completely off the pain meds in the past week, took public transportation for the first time today, and even spoke with a trainer about starting back in the gym soon. I can not wait to get back in the gym, I feel like a useless blob just sitting around and going for long walks. This must be what it's like to be an old person. I don't look forward to it.

Anywho, here are some pics from tonight's bandage change:
(it may look a little bloodier - sorry - but actually that's good! it means my nerve endings and blood flow has come back into that area, i just don't have as many layers of skin there to hold it all in yet. ew. soon though, soon.)

Oh, I also got a fancy new ace bandage yesterday when I went to the burn clinic for my check-in! It's so amazing, I wish I would have been given one sooner. Although I still have a couple of small open wounds I finally feel like I can get around a bit more. I walked over 5 miles yesterday. That's a lot for me even on a normal day! I think I was a bit over eager after getting the ace bandage, but I made it home none the less.

things that suck.

You may have noticed that I haven't really touched much on the negative aspects of this journey I'm on... well, there's a reason for it. And, as much as I would love to say it's because I'm a strong person and I've been optimistic and positive throughout the entire experience - that's simply not true.

The real reason I haven't blogged much about the dark side of things is that I hate reliving those moments. It's bad enough to go through them once first-hand, the last thing I want to do is sit down at my computer afterwards and write about them. So, I've been waiting for the right moment to address some of the things I simply couldn't handle along the way and now (at 3AM when I'm wide awake) seems like as good a time as any. 

Just a Couple of Things that Suck (I could write more, but I'll spare you):

1. Showers. 

Showers used to be one of my favorite things in the world. You come home after a long day, pull off all your clothes, and just stand there letting the warm water run down your neck and wash away all the tensions from your life. Then, you put on your jammies of choice and curl up under the covers with some trash tv until bedtime. Instead, here is my shower process these days:

• preparation. take approx. 15 mins beforehand to lay out supplies on your bed for bandaging post-shower.
• bandage removal. remove clothes, then carefully remove all 3 layers of bandages - oh, but be careful because sometimes your wound may stick to a bandage and if you mistakingly pull that off prepare for the worst pain you've felt in days. if this ever happens, it's smarter to just get in the actual shower with your bandages on and hope the water will soak in enough to allow the bandage to slide off instead of having to rip your skin off along with it. 
• run a lukewarm shower - not too hot, because you don't want to irritate the wounds. fml, i love hot showers.
• make a game plan. figure out your process, and then get everything besides wound cleaning out of the way. meaning, if you need to wash your hair, body, or shave - you need to hurry the fck up and get those things out of the way so you can get to the real reason you're showering...
• clean your wounds. ew ew ew. i can not even type this one without cringing. it is literally as gross as it sounds, and i have so much respect for anyone who has ever had to do this at home. i've found that a gauze pad works well, so i open a fresh gauze pad during each shower, squeeze a little mild soap (such as dove unscented, or ivory) onto it, then lightly wipe and pad down each of my wounds. 
• i feel it's important for anyone else going through this to mention that i HATE touching my wounds in the shower. even though I don't have to physically touch them with my hands, just the sensation of something gliding over it gives me the 'heebie-jeebies' (sp?). it is by far the worst part of my day and for the last month I've felt like my life revolves around bandage changes. I  can not wait until everything closes up and I just have to deal with keeping it moisturized. 
• dry your body - but not the wounds, you don't want to touch open wounds with a nasty towel that's probably been sitting on your toilet or sink while you shower. 
• get back to the supplies. mine are typically laid out on my bed, which means i have to get from the bathroom to my bedroom with a towel loosely draped over me while i hold the front out making sure nothing touches my wounds. it's awkward.
• bandaging - which leads me to my second thing that sucks….

2. Bandage Changes.

OMFG. You.have.no.idea. Literally the death of me. Once this is all over I will be so grateful to just put on clothing in the morning and walk out of my house. Experiences like these really make you appreciate being a normal healthy human. It's like when you're all sick and stuffy, and you appreciate being able to breathe regular - but only 100 times worse. Anywho, I won't walk you though the whole process of bandaging, that's not the shitty part. The shitty part is how you feel the entire time. 

Showers suck enough on their own, then once you're out bandaging takes another 15-20 mins. The entire time I'm cleaning my wounds and bandaging them I'm also using 95% of the energy in my body to keep myself from crying, clenching my teeth, and trying to convince myself this is almost over. My mom has learned to go in the other room during this time, because I've dubbed it my 'quiet time'. I can't speak, or listen to anyone. In fact I can't really do anything at all other than the task at hand. 

It itches.

It hurts.

It oozes.

It's sensitive.

It's ugly.

It's bleeding.

It's everything bad in the world and my skin is crawling the entire time.

Once it's over I literally have to lay down, exhale, and just unwind for a few moments. I'm completely drained, but it's over. And until the next bandage change (in 12 hours) I can try to take my mind off things. 

project runway: ICU edition.

I'm going to try and keep most of my posts short & sweet, because really… who wants to hear me ramble on for pages and pages!? That being said, I thought this particular topic was well worth a post. I was in the ICU for a total of 12 days, and had to have my bandages changed twice daily = 26 different outfits in whole.

One of my greatest joys (there weren't many -_-) while in the hospital was being able to observe how each nurse dressed me up differently. It really is worthy of a reality TV show, these ladies have #skillz. There were layers on layers of bandages, but my outer most layer was always made of this fabric called 'spandage' - a combination of spandex & bandage. I tell ya these advertising people and their ingenuity when it comes to branding product names. Kudos pharma people, kudos. Anywho, its tubular, stretchy as fck, and comes in like 20 different sizes - anywhere from your finger to your torso. 

I truly wish I had taken more photos, but here are just a few of the highlights from my stay:
(a couple times i had to take things into my own hands and get crafty after the nurses left. it was sooo warm in my room, I hated when the tops were too close to my neck *insert sweating emoji here*) 

Off the top of my head, I also remember having: a tube top with spaghetti straps, a sleeveless turtleneck, a deep-v tank top, and vest. My fave was likely the 'garter belt' look on the left. White mesh is very in for spring, don't be surprised if you see Rihanna wearing something similar in an upcoming show. 

Now that I'm home I've even added some ribbons to keep things fun. It's the cheerleader inside of me. Yayyyy team! GoOooOOoo skin! Grow grow grow! Honestly, somehow making the bandages prettier and feminine really helped me mentally. It's made things more fun to take part in, and less like work. :)

the dummies guide to burn phases.

ok, so I'm not a doctor … but for an long as i was in the ICU and as many nurses as i ran through, I don't think I'm too far off by calling myself somewhat of a 'burn expert'.

here's what i like to think of as the 4-step process for burns:


Step 1: 'The Thick White Gooey Layer' (aka Eschar)
This is the layer you see in a lot of my early photos. It's basically dead skin that's piling up on top of you're healthy skin, and will eventually either peel or kind of just disintegrate off… in the doctor's opinion the  faster the better! I actually still have a couple areas that have a tiny bit of eschar (pronounced: 's'-char) left, and not real thrilled about it seeing how i have a check-in at the hospital tomorrow. You can't force it off either. It just comes off when it's ready.

In fact, it's when these areas don't come off after about 10-14 days that the doctor's really begin to lean towards skin grafting. At the 10 day mark i had a few small areas of eschar left, but decided to take my chances and attempt to nurse my skin back to health on it's own by forgoing surgery/grafting for the moment. Initially when I was admitted to the ICU they wanted to graft my entire stomach, thigh, and part of my hand - but miraculously within 10 days I was down to just a few small concerning areas. The doctor's had very mixed opinions on me forgoing surgery, but I felt strongly about the fact I'm young, healthy, and active... and seeing how far my skin had come over the first 10 days I wanted to give it a bit more time. If it turns out that within a couple more weeks my remaining skin isn't coming back on it's own I'll revisit the idea then.


Step 2: 'Little Bumpy Patches' (aka Budding)
You can see this pretty clearly in a lot of my photos.. the little pink/red bumpy clusters. It's a great sign, it means the eschar has gone, and your hair follicles & nerve endings are coming back in … hooray! It's exciting and painful at the same time. Seeing how your nerve endings are exposed taking showers and changing bandages can be less than pleasant. Oh, and sleeping… yea, sleeping blows. But in the end it means you're on your way to new skin, which makes the doctors, nurses, and myself very pleased. Yay for little buds!

Step 3: 'Smooth Pink Skin'
At this point, your wounds are closed, there's no more bleeding or sloughing of tissue, and you're just left with discolored pink/red/purple skin. It's great because you don't hurt for the most part any more, the pain is behind you, but it sucks because now things turn into a bit of a waiting game. It could take anywhere from 8 months to a year for your skin to go back to 'normal' or as normal as it's ever going to get. You'll see a lot of my stomach is at this point now. In fact, I don't even have to cover those areas on my stomach or my hand with bandages any more. I just use Lubriderm on my hand and ointment on my stomach. Once all the other areas catch up (hopefully the next week or two), I'll just be using Lubriderm/cocoa butter for the next few months multiple times a day to keep the areas moisturized. Moisture is key to healthy new skin, and minimal scarring.

Step 4: 'Normal Skin'
I suppose I shouldn't use the term 'normal', like… what does normal even really mean? But, essentially this last phase is when your skin reaches it's peak of healing. Typically doctors say it takes 1 full year for you to recover from a burn of this nature, which also means no sun for me this summer (moment of silence for all the exotic caribbean vacations i had planned) *le sigh*.



As of right now my skin is mostly a mix of step 2 & 3, with just a bit of step 1 still lingering.
Hope this helps you decipher my photos, as well as helps anyone going through something similar prepare for what's to come. The nurses really didn't lay this process out for me so clearly, and I wish someone would have. Live & learn.

the pics you've all been waiting for. eek.

fun fact of the day: burns get worse over time. like, a lot worse.

so what my mother referred to as "saggy panty hose skin" in my pics from day one, quickly escalated to something out of a hollywood movie's special effects make-up department. I assumed that on that first night they would remove all of my dead skin layers, and then underneath would be something like a bad sunburn. I mean, that happens right? You get burnt in the sun, your skin peels… then bam a couple days of aloe vera gel on your skin and you're back to normal.

Yea, well…. that's not exactly what happen. Shit got real, really fast. You may also understand better as to why I was kept in the ICU for 12 days & have been out of work recovering for the past 3 weeks after looking at the photos below. If you're faint of heart, or have a weak stomach feel free to scroll past the pics.

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here's my stomach:
(#sidenote - they pump you FULL of protein shakes to help your skin regenerate while you're in there. so, i may or may not have gained weight slash been bloated... just saying.)

my thigh, which is the worse of my burns:

& my hand, which sadly I didn't take pics of in the beginning but really healed at an insane pace:
(please peep the #nailgame as well, always on point… even in the ICU.)

Note that a lot of the 'Day 21' pics of my stomach and thigh are actually from today. I took them this morning when changing my bandages. I'm not exactly out of the weeds just yet… but I'm getting there.
Percocet, ointments, and positive vibes go a long way.

ps. my next post, entitled 'the dummies guide to burn phases' should help you decipher exactly what's going on in the above pics.